mikadoll

YUNGFUKTOI

2005-11-14T21:30:52Z

Tomorrow I have to be up in the city for 8:45 to take part in a shoot. It's for a girl named Mildred who's relaunching her clothing range 'Yungfuktoi' full of fetish wear and PVC which in itself sounds a lot of fun.
Basically one of the male model's dropped out on her and as she was looking for somebody androgynous people directed her to me...with the comments 'fun' and 'lovely' [though I have no idea who thinks of me in such light]. The final shots will be viewable as 360' panoramic windows such as those shown here, with the idea of powerplay and spontaneous party debauchery.

I can't wait as it's actually something I can work with and help out on, and I'm really grateful to whoever pointed Mildred in my direction...but now it's time to shave every inch of my body and do my nails :)

Wish me luck..

neverspeaksoftly

2005-10-26T23:40:44Z

in a dream
i'm an echo
of a whisperedsecret spoken to a grain of sand
blown to the wind to clean what scratches at my trembling hand
mothwing in flight makes silence of everything
so awake neon lips have got to be deafening
to be dolldelicate
as an unborn mute

open mouths let water in so
needle in needle out
stiched mouth and never drown

[to be edited later]

2005-09-13T19:26:55Z

"ten pounds of porcelin never made a soul, but there was no need for the body all the same. he was soft in the knees and hard as rocks, his lips scraping with a soft sound on flesh if he chose to kiss. pink too pale at times to highlight the white, like little dolls on counters that children snatched up and threw in tantrums to break all about the floor. he was the same, with legs bent and strwen in their attachment and a cheek to the floor. the rouge was so soft it demanded to be scratched and torn at, a simple flare of embarassment and heat that he never felt. his skin broke nails and teeth, he was hard to the core and uncaring as the glazed eyes that shut given the nod of his head.

mikadoll: a mixture of grotesque and perfect beauty, the eyething we wanted to be and the sterile inanimate that was the fear of any mind. monsters in the closet by the stiffly walking joints and highheel curled toes of the softly glwoing androgyny. male and female had no meaning to the body that was placed so still and heavenly on the floor.

he was form of frustration, as they tried to break his body with cruel words and malicious snarls. they threw him about like like violence of jealousy, but he would land like a dove every time. the blank face was a portrait of joy, nirvana, sexuality, and sadness. he bore no physical emotion and therefore he was all in a spinning, screaming, blinding vessel. he sat still as death and wars formed. he lay inert and kings cried. he stared into nothingness and artists broke their tools and cursed god.

he could not be broken, though he was the moment he existed. he felt no sorrow, but he was the saddest thing for not knowing the lack. he was dull like ice for he never wondered to what it was like to never be cold, idle, inhumanly empty
they propped him up at a sunset, the most beautiful of the year, and explosion in his name to bring life to his perfect form. they hoped for him to wake to tears and understanding, they wanted to humanize what was best left alone. he sat still has he was propped overlooking the fall and watched the mushroom bloom into the sky. his glazed glass eyes surveyed the tidalwave of heat that surged through streets, lids half open due to his slightly tilted head. his porceline filled ears felt the barage of screams. the refections of the children falling danced on his eyes.
saidthelungfish: an explosion*
when the sunset ended and the night began in plumes of black soot and smoke overtaking the sky, she remained immobile. without those to move him, he sat surveying the horror without understanding to it. his hair rode so softly on the hot breeze, his face frozen as it always was of blank emotion. we as readers painted sadness onto it because it helped us to understand such a story

mikadoll sat for the rest of eternity, the only living entity of a world that died to bring him life. he knew not the irony or beauty. he simply sat comfortably immobile and content in his lack.

he was perfect"

pushtyber. dont comment.

hypocrite me?

2005-09-08T19:08:35Z

Let's say I went to HER journal and made a sarcastic comment on a photo of her with crutches.
Let's say then, once I'd pissed her off with my glaring ignorance...I made a post about her.

Something like "Oh I tripped over today, but DAMN I didn't get crutches and lalalala"
Then my friends could make fun of her, and we could all have a huge joke at the silly cliche we know as a disabled person. Hohoho.
She'd not get irate, she'd not argue. She'd whistle a tune and go merrily on her way right?
Yeah Jo, really. So don't call ME soft because if this was the other way around I doubt you'd act far differently.

I mean, obviously I wouldn't do that because I really respect people that don't oh say, edit things like their crutches out of photos. They're happy with it and what you to confront it as part of them.
She may find selfharm a silly little laugh, cliché and...ohgodno..LAME but to me it's not something I do when Marilyn Manson cancels his gig. Nor is it the beallendall "if you don't accept this I can't talk to you". But you could see, if somebody DIDN'T accept it there WOULD be a problem, hence all this and hence her taking offense to the word 'cripple'.
No chip on your shoulder? Bollocks to that!

"selfharm" has been part of my life since I was a child, do I have to go there? No. I lived with it, I didn't ASK for it but I do ASK that people aren't so ignorant as to dismiss it with a four letter word better suited to prepubescants. MAYBE she feels that since it's a mental problem it's all in my head and I'm a bit of a nutter...but she's already got somebody else to use this one on. New material love.
Do I need to point her to all the medical proof of my condition? DO I FUCKING NEED TO POINT AT HER LEGS?
It's THERE though less conspicuous...this is WHY I went base with you.

I DIDN'T see us as kindred Jo, but I was completely shocked at this so sue me for having a hissyfit but donnn't act like you wouldn't and HAVEN'T time and time again.

night

i wish i could feel this way forever

2005-09-08T01:46:37Z

[http://www.myspace.com/pushtyber]

themusic and thewriting and thefeeling. Yeah it's perfection defined to me in it's honesty and rawbloodlust emotion.

I couldn't help but want rape and carnage with everything in between, thumbsucking turned to wristbiting and other such [oohit'sgood] feelings.

It's not of "pityme/how i bleed" or no answers, because there were no questions.

Just clarity like an open window at 6am in winter forcing you to fucking WAKE UP and just confront the day.

So I said : fuckit this time.
So I said : It's done but this is different.
So I said : nothing because I bleed too fast and almost drowned on my own thoughts and bloodcells.

This is my favourite photo of me ever.

From now on when people ask me who my idol is or who I respect there will be ONE word to pass my [hideouslyslit]lips and dontcha just know what that'll be?

yeah pushtyber:

NEW ORLEANS : THE WORLD'S RICHEST COUNTRY AND HER POOREST PEOPLE.

2005-09-02T18:28:22Z

Dear Bush : Thanks for Iraq.

Dear Bush : They didn't want or need your help.

Dear Bush : YOUR people are dying.

Dear Bush : HOW can you have the audacity to validate the war on terror and it's expense in the face of STARVING AND THIRSTY PEOPLE FOUR DAYS LATER, STILL WAITING FOR YOUR FUCKING HELP?

Dear 51% of America : Wake the fuck up.

Fake smiles shouldn't hide crossed fingers so well.

mikadoll @ 2005-08-16T23:29:00

2005-08-16T22:43:03Z

So I met up with Ilona Sagar [http://pixelperson.deviantart.com/] yesterday and we had a really fun time taking cool shots and getting crowds watching us. A group of girls stared at us for half an hour talking to her assistant and asking if "that girl is a professional model" haha. I talked to them and found out one was called Ribena so I LOVED her!
My heels were killer though and i forgot to bring another pair of shoes, so me being me I took them off and walked around London barefoot for a huge majority of the day. It was endearing, NOT skanky :/ I also forgot to EAT so I survived on cigarettes like a true model which got us into a conversation about anorexics in the industry.
"I'd rather be anorexic than fat...actually, no." lmao.

Ilona is my new muse and I hers...we work well together. She's got the kind of creative mind I need and is expert and telling me the little details to pay attention to when posing. She said I'm her bitch which is fine by me going by the results of the photos. We're gonna work together soon.

DEAR WHISPER WITH A FUTURE FLITTER

2005-08-01T21:18:51Z

lay down my breadknife
bleeding with glitter.

Dear life and many a consequence
stop speaking
to me

for i'll never repent.

Dear Nothing and Nobody
why won't you leave?

seems blankemptyvacancy
's inherent to me.

mikadoll @ 2005-07-17T21:01:00

2005-07-17T20:06:18Z

I only talk to platinum blondes anymore as they're easier friends to make in clubs. You can see their hair glowing from across the dancefloor, and that's useful. To anybody with whom I currently hold relationships; If you'd like to sustain it, get peroxide.

The Violet's singer is a bit of a silly bitch. Though I did throw plant's at a boy and caused him to fall down...so I can't say much.

mikadoll @ 2005-07-07T15:12:00

2005-07-07T14:15:51Z

If you want people to like you DON'T SAY :

"Shit! I think I left a suitcase unattended around Liverpool Street this morning, can somebody come and help me find it?"

Nobody will laugh [except your gay friends]

AN INSECT, A SWARM

2005-07-05T02:20:33Z

you call them maggots but they turn to flies
you always crawl but they evolve

....

2005-07-03T16:17:26Z

So if you'd like to get some balls and continue with what you were saying, you know what you have to do.

Otherwise get the fuck out of my life.

EGO ERGO : GO [squarebracketsandastory]

2005-07-01T19:57:06Z

The Doll picked Push to regard with awe atop his chest of drawers. She would never have had it such a way but to be plaything for a Doll was too rich in irony not to at least, on the briefest of occasion, sit as such. A cleft hand brushing against her cheek, a tug of the [nonexistant]pullstring and he'd have her mouth fall open; though no ordinary mouth and no dictionary was available to ever accomplish clarity in attempt to explain what came out.
It was a veritable grand canyon in depth and distinction, and the effect on the mind was as sunlight is to open eyes. Bright, white light that leaves one blind and speechless in recollection of the last vision. Anyone that dared cause her to speak was left a fishfaced gaping mute in her presence [as Push so regarded in the first place].

But Dolly had the perfect porcelain skin and photoperfect face that couldn't move, and eyes that would only shut were he to ever lay down. He could do nothing but stare and [assurgeryscars] the transfusion was immenent. Permanent. She burned and was never spent and MikaDoll was accustomed, reliant and humble.

He never possessed one with which the fascination was greater than his own, in a different league and universe. Though there was sister, twin and the like of his Bonita. Only one such as he could fall for a girl whose definition was Beautiful, even by name.

That pair so inextricably interwoven in mind and soul even the highest [Queenofthe's] would inhale viciously and exhale overanhour, ribs all protruding and the very life of him draining in the CO2. [Since Moth + Flame never ends without scorched wings.]
The two were The Two and as all topnotch vanities can tell you : bored of the Bourgeois loungeabouts who so utterly adored them. Tired of the relentless honeydarlings who would melt on sight of them and drown with their sticky sweet speech.
Between puffs upon super thin menthol cigarettes and sips of rosé, they'd discuss the ins+outs of the social game and how
like war
the only way to win was to never play.
Doll was no toy. Bonita no Beautiful. With everything about the Two: vice versa. So there'd be no games between Bonita:Doll and they kept the brutal honesty that bought a smile to their faces [with tears to their follower's when used]. It was vowed to be their veto in any gameplan or defence against acquisition of another pawn.
All they ever played was their addiction, as Push coursed through the veins she invoked in Doll..so too would she his beau. She was in understatement, forever and everywhere...in her mind and destiny it was inevitable. She had the patience of a Saint and would wait til the moment was right.

To understand is to love, to teach of oneself is to be mutual.
To teach what's understood of another is honest, loving even when brutal. [to ask for more is divine]

To be any one of these three is deadly, though ultimately only for those who aren't.

dances

2005-06-30T20:03:48Z

The uglier and more runofthemill a person is on deluxe_dolls the more they have to say about me. That's rich.

Somebody even commented on my fucking MOLE. Wow jesus, at least my face doesn't resemble a tumour. Whateverwhatever, we all know about bitches in communities [right artysmokes?]

mikadoll @ 2005-06-28T19:06:00

2005-06-28T18:10:30Z

So James just called and asked "What are you doing next week?"
"Nothing...at all, why?"
"Do you want to see Nine Inch Nails? I have a spare ticket"

UH FUCK YES. Somebody already offered to take me, but since James and I both have a mutual LOVE for this band it's going to be so fucking good. Who's going? Bonita if you're free let's spend the day together <3

We're also booking a holiday together...but I have no idea where to go : somewhere sedate, beautiful, sandy and CHEAP. Any suggestions?

OH AND does anybody I know have paypal? I wanna buy something and it's the only option pleasegetintouchthankyou.

MIKADOLL IS :

2005-06-27T13:34:02Z

a superficial whore. a plastic snore. a ladida we know so well the boy we never talked to.

Bring your fucking US Major analyst's in their dozens and give your credited fucking opinion of a British boy named Doll. He regards looking down his nose under falseeyelashes and the like.

Since grasping irony [for them] is like cat claws to a window it makes no difference [for me]. You can attempt to cling on long enough to actually see through into any truth, yet, they're made for mice and I don't play that kind of game. A cat shouldn't play when it can't win.
I'm sure your use of 'pyschological terms' can intimidate and earn you faux respect for vomiting your textbook bought view on internet strangers from many others, not me. Not Doll. [s]he's too pre occupied with polishing her plastic skin and combing her hair etcetera.

As put, "my friend who is a psyche major says, "Aparently, someone tool your animous, ass raped it, left it in the gutter...and left your anima to turn you into a superficial plastic whore...yeah...nice lipstick. God bless the american psycolgy assocaition because they're give me a degree."-Bradshaw "

Godless and taught with no eye for error, I'm sure it cost a lot of dollar for that piece of paper you prop yourself up with. As credentials go, I have firmer grounding than that. Along with the ability to spell, and use grammar.

[PS]

Today was ghetto :

DEARDANNY

2005-06-24T18:39:46Z

Do I call you and ask to be "caught in the rain" just for once so I can feel the stinging storm on my skin?
Do I give you mine so you can tell me what you want and have it all go down once more?
Do I just say letsbefriends but have no intention to ever speak again?

Do I say : Nobody breaks me because I break myself first and you're just unfortunate to do the same to yourself.
Do I : say nothing and just close your eyes.

?

[and it's funny the oftrustandbetrayal doesn't even bear contemplation when being naked in the rain is the only urge]
[and it's funny that mika disintegrates to nothing in the presence of lust and eyes that read NObutYES and succumbs]

Ha.ha.

SUMMER SOLSTICE

2005-06-19T14:57:03Z

This is how last night felt. It was intended to be a late night barbecue with friends just to do something different to being swarmed at a club...it was REALLY different.

I was adopted by Pagans on the beach, crowned with ivy and blessed with oil. They were celebrating Solstice, though it's not til Tuesday. Real pagans work 9-5 community care and office jobs and so have to fit in their worship and singing accordingly. Real free spirits book time to build fires they can throw their cigarette butts into [yeah].
They said their son's would love to see such a beautiful boy, and how they were scared to speak to me but so glad I spoke to them first. I said I was just happy they let me sit near their fire.
I learned a wind instrument and drums though could play neither as well as an old-friend-now-hippy could play "Summertime".
When the fire started to die down, I asked if I could throw some more wood on holding a stick up in my hands. I was told "NO!!" and informed I was actually holding a broomstick, which was then given to me as a gift. My driver later said "Why didn't you just get home with this?". I didn't laugh.

At 1AM when I was waiting to be picked up, since my skirt was shorter than usual I was approached by an extremely terrifying man who asked "How much do I owe you?"
I said "I'm waiting for my friend"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes I'm positive, he'll be here soon"
"How much?"
"No, really..."

And it went on and on with him approaching closer every time he spoke until I was sure he'd lift up my skirt and slit my throat. [or vice versa latter first and foremost]. Nothing came of it though.

MY TURN :\

2005-06-17T17:48:04Z

http://xclub.xfriends.ro/view/79606/

here is "Mihau". He looks remarkably like me [nón?]. If anybody can speak whatever language this site is in, go get this fucker deleted. It's just wrong.

THE GOLDEN RULE OF THE INTERNET

2005-06-16T17:38:41Z

[from now on] Never ~~trust~~talk to anybody online who you haven't met in person.

Bonita the more I read these comments about the girl who stole your identity, the more worried I get. Block them all :\

GUILTRIDDEN ANAESTHESIA

2005-06-14T20:07:31Z

Sometimes I'm certain my sole purpose is to forget about people, only to find them months later in a place I wish I could save them from. Me being me I also regard it as MY fault they got into such a position as though my absence has caused their lives to spiral out of control...
Of course, I understand that it isn't so, though I still feel immense wretched fucking guilt.

Guilt is a vice and guilt's a virus. Guilt is dirty, and the hacking of the back of my throat after stealing sleep from the night.
It's the feeling before Mother's Day and after New Years. It is not the feeling of a bloated stomach after christmas excess, but the thought that it should be.

Guilt is feeling guilty for not feeling guilty in more quality and quantity.
Guiltridden, true..that it has ridden me for too long. Perhaps any jockey is good for me.

DEAR YOU

2005-06-08T21:39:49Z

Love from Me.

mikadoll @ 2005-06-05T17:12:00

2005-06-05T16:36:21Z

gorgeous blue is the hue for you

We talked of how well and good talk of glitter and height is in a club that can't help be linked to such idle chatter...but the disdain we have for it also. He knows me, and when I say "I've got to take off this makeup" his response is simply put ; "Good".

When we're out and dancing, I put my silkglove hand to cover my smile cuz I'm ohsocoy and watching this boy dance without giving a fuck reminds me why I love him. As the Vanities raise their eyebrows and lips in asymmetry because they can't equate Mika with him, I forget to care this time around.

When he's asked if I'm his girlfriend as a joke, he says "Yes" with convincing expression to stop the punchline ever happening.

When calling for a taxi he makes me run despite my pleas to just call one closer, I think he likes the power of being the only person in the world who can do that.

When he's in town, I feel at home again.

ABSOLUTE

2005-05-31T00:42:19Z

I can't help but drool the honeydarling's when white wine seeps into a sepia atmosphere. Overlooking the crowds and out toward the beach, recoiling with a cigarette is my only option since the sniper shutters are hard pushed to resist a snap of the freakscene happening above them. I tire of it at the best of times, honeydarling...

Debbie Harry plays onto the streets, and for the slightest of moments she is believed to be a guest on the balcony. Shame the only Blondie is a boy in drag, don't you know.

WITNESS KRACKWHORE KOUTURE @ KashPoint

2005-05-24T14:22:01Z

That's me. Point in question : what to wear what to wear what to wear?

I don't really fancy the idea of seaside shanty, I'm already Punch [though he's move overdone than I am]
Fancy crabs? Howzabout I wear shells on my nipples and notalot else? heh.

Mermika....